Learning to Breathe/Stumble

Life is something I feel people, myself included, take for granted. But life is so similar to the weather for me. No matter how many ways it is forecast, the meteorologist can still get it wrong. Like the weatherman I tend to base each day off of the conditions that previous days and months have been or what the current conditions look like, track the changes and make as best an assumption about it as I can. My results are mostly the same as my predictions from day to day but then there are those other times when God says that he wants to put a storm system in where I thought a sunny spot belonged and vice versa…just when I have gotten used to being in one kind of attitude.

All that said, I think I am in need of a bit of a shift. I don’t know into which direction my shift would or should come but I know it is necessary. I feel stifled like a closet overstuffed with too many of all the previous years’ fashions. The stuff is not necessarily bad; sometimes too much is just not good. It causes my focus to be dimmed and the ideal plans feel so far away. It’s like being in the closet of Narnia. I get so lost in the coats and clothes and things that it takes me too long to get to either path- to the reality of my situation or to my destiny.

I feel like a change is in the air. But like glue, the present has me bound to herself. Security is a fickle thing. Knowing I have a job with potential to impact children is an amazing feeling. That alone, however, is what is also frustrating.I am impacting someone else, and yet I feel so…I don’t know…type cast? Maybe frustrated is too strong a word, but it is all I can think of at the moment. My heart is not here and my brains have been hijacked by my opportunity seeking motives. Yes, change is needed. Being in such a volatile economic environment makes my bungee jumping, risk taking former self even pause to consider all my options. I find it is good to take caution, but caution makes me question. Questioning leads to self-doubt. Self-doubt to stagnation. right now I quietly curse my doubtful side but I am afraid to risk my certainty on the gamble before me. Help me

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Chicken and Rice Casserole in 80 Degree Weather

I made the casserole on Sunday along with all my other meals for the month. It took me an entire afternoon, but in the end, it will be worth it. Basically I have a month’s worth of TV dinners that I have home made.

As I ate my lunch today, I thought about a comment that a friend made after I posted on Facebook about the food preparations. She jokingly remarked, “Your husband is on his way!!”. I’d like to think that. Of course, that is not why I did it. I did it because it was economical and more cost effective as far as my bills were concerned.

But while I was kneading the dough for my pizza nights to come, her words stuck with me. The “one” that I want deserves to have as much of my time as I can give. and if that means an entire day of slaving in the kitchen to get the precious hours that couples so obviously need but seem to deprive themselves of these days, then sign me up! I love him enough to do it. And more.

It’s almost like the Psalm says (84 I believe); “Better is one day in the courts of God than a thousand anywhere else”. To me a relationship consists of taking and making certain sacrifices where necessary. It’s part of what I think love is: a true desire to see to the well being of someone else, whether or not you get it in return. An appreciation.

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Hot Pink Bath Towels

I was recalling to my brother today about how I had a housewarming party at my first apartment and the interesting gifts I received. He is engaged and they are moving so I suggested he and his fiance host a party in order to get some things. I explained to him how he should tell the guests that their color scheme or themes would be. at my housewarming I told the guests that I wanted blues, greens and tans and ocean/beach themed items and that my LEAST favorite color was pink…and it still is. Amazingly I had a loving and well-meaning aunt who bought me hot pink bath towels, wash cloths and a shower curtain. She said she got it in case I decided to switch it up…not likely. But who am I to turn down free stuff? It took me about four months before I actually used any of it!

I think now about the life I have and how different I am from my first apartment. O, I still hate pink, but my aunt was still right: sometimes in life, we do need to switch things up.

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Love Waits/Beloved

I went to Busch Gardens today. That isn’t so significant. I must have been a dozen or so times this summer. What is significant is that I only stayed three hours. Never you mind that it was 60 degrees and raining the entire time. I went because it was Passholder Appreciation Weekend. They were showing previews for the new ride (Werbolten), having giveaways and raffles and other free stuff. As usual I didn’t win the raffle but I got a souvenir reusable cup with a twisty straw. The kind that look like McDonald’s cups, but hard…the one people pay $5.00 for.
Anyhow, they also gave the passholders 30% off merchandise so I went shopping. I bought my favorite snack (2 bags of kettle corn), a beautiful pair of earrings and a steel ring. The ring was my favorite purchase of the day. It was $6 and some change and it has two hearts with a cross at the center of each that are cut out of the steel. I bought one to fit as a thumb ring. The one I really wanted was a ring that said “Love Waits” all around it.
Usually when I think of that phrase, I think of sexual purity. But today it had a different connotation to it. I have been think a great deal about my ex and how much I KNOW I love him. Not the heart palpitating kind of feelings, although those feelings seem to have been validated by my racing heartbeat at the thought of him. But I am talking about that always constant, rest assured, he’s always been there through it all kind of love. It has been my driving force over the last few days. So when I think of him, I think of how long my heart has been waiting for me to come around and realize time and distance really do make things so much more clear. So for me, LOVE WAITS for the right time.
I wish there were some way I could tell him all of this right now but the timing isn’t right. Not yet. When it is, I know he is going to know. I feel like he already knows. He has to. I hear it in his voice. I see it in his words. It is between every line that we speak or type. He has to know that I would go to the ends of the earth if it meant he would be on the other side waiting.
There is a song by Tenth Avenue North called “Beloved”. I burned it to a CD in my car and I have already determined that it will be in my wedding. It talks about how Jesus’ love is personified through vows to love his people forever. He says he wants us to bring all out secrets, cares, and things we don’t want to reveal and not be afraid because it is us he died for. I love this song as the one I want to walk down the aisle to. I have nearly worn out the CD playing it in the car today. I thought “Made For You” by Watermark was going to be it, but “Beloved has trumped that song. I want us to have the same forever as the song. And I believe it can happen.

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Single Mindedness

I haven’t been able to think of anything other than my ex. It’s crazy. I guess you really do “just know”. He and I are planning to meet during homecoming weekend. I want to go to Chicago on the James. I loved their calzones. He and I used to go there all the time. I remember how we used to walk around downtown hand in hand as we perused the shop windows. I remember the antiques shop and the pawn shop where we would walk in and just look at the grand plethora of another man’s treasure waiting to be found. My butterflies are coming back just at the memory of it all. I also want to go back to Peak’s View Park. That was one of the other places we would go as well.
I still recall how we first got together. We worked together on a cleaning crew about campus. A group of us were cleaning the classrooms…kinda. When we were done, we all congregated in one of the communicatons classrooms. IT is so clear in my memory like I am there now. We were talking about our favorite childhood TV shows like Power Rangers or something like that. Soon afterward, everyone left except me- playing on the computer- and him. I didn’t know why he was there until a few minutes later. He walked over to me and took me by the hand. That was it. HE didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything else. I just stared at the computer screen as if it held the answer to what I was supposed to do next. I got nothing. And we have been connected to each other ever since.And I have loved him the whole time. I know I have. My brains just decided to not work through a lot of it.
I really do love him. He always could make me laugh, has been one of the best things to ever happen to me and I know GOD put him in my life. I just hope it works forever this time; I hope I am able to deserve him again.
A few months ago, I told him about a song called “Circle” by Marques Houston (I think). It says “If you love something let it go, and if it comes back then this time you’ll know…”. Well I know now. It’s amazing how much clarity I have in this. Everything is so much clearer now. Please, God, don’t let me wake up to a nightmare called false hope or rejection…

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Time and a Half

I know I work a lot. I have to in order to make things work out in order to prepare myself for being financially stable. I also know it’s stressful to not have any enjoyment to couple with all that work.

I know all of this; so why do people insist on stating the obvious? Shut up already because I know what I am doing. I know I am having to pay the price of enjoying life now…but that is because I want the quality of life to be so much better in the long run.

Don’t get me wrong. I do have days that I make sure I take time for myself. They just don’t happen as often as some think it should. And I have gotten better.
I found out some news last night that I am not sure what to do with. My ex-boyfriend was recently engaged until recently. I found out quite by accident but I don’t know the proper way to jump for joy about the news without looking like a total cow.

In the word of my big brother via text message in response to said feelings: “That boy is the love of your life”. And I believe it. Even when I read the news (thank you Facebook) I knew instantly that all my feelings for him would come rushing back in. I told him a few months ago while he was engaged how I felt because I had been holding it in for over 4 years. He, being the wonderful guy that he is said he appreciated my telling him but wouldn’t do anything about it because he was with her. I respected that and let it be.

Then about a month ago, he called me and was checking on me. It’s something that he and I do from time to time. That’s the kind of relationship he and I have always had. I was in a bit of a quandary with a guy I was dating at the time. I confided in my ex becauseI wanted to have insight about making a serious commitment to the other guy, who was a great guy and really did care for me. My ex told me that he could tell in my voice that the love I should be feeling just wasn’t there. I asked him how he know that his then-fiance was the one he wanted to marry. He told me that they got along great, were good friends, could make each other laugh, were very compatible…but no mention of love. That was what I expected him to have. They were getting married after all.

I don’t want to pounce on him so suddenly because I don’t want to seem like a spider webbing her prey. But I also don’t know how long is too long to wait. I know now what it means to love someone and want the best for them. I also know that I want his best  and for him to be a part of my life. I haven’t been able to think of much else today. I just wish I knew if I am reading too much into his not mentioning love for her.

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Flower Pots

Yesterday I decided to re-pot my plants because they were starting to grow so well. I also bought new plants as well. There’s something about growing them that relaxes me. Maybe it’s because I am good at it. Makes part of my life feel like a mini “success story”.

While outside, I had some neighbors who are at pluses and minuses with each other. Seriously, fighting over a parking spot…really guys? I hate petty ignorances. Especially when people want me to take sides. I just let the guys have it out while I continued to pot my plants.

I finally figured out that I want a camera AND a flat screen TV. Preferably a 32″; preferably an LG. I’m usually not picky by nature, but I do feel the need to have good quality in some areas of my life. I like LG.

While planting, I also decided that it was time that I just did something that I actually want to do. I wonder if Stephen- dearest friend of mine- is still interested in going to El Salvador to do the paintings in his parents’ house. I still really want to do that.

There is just so much to life to NOT live it. It’s hard not being a cookie cutter female. It’s especially hard being told that you’re good at something so you just…get…stuck…doing it. That’s where I am now. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy parts of my life. But who wants to live their life to have their tombstone say “She lived, but not to her fullest”, or “She loved MOST of her life”. That would totally suck.

I seem to quietly rebel at society by day and openly scream at her as the afternoon wanes. I don’t want to live the expected life. I want to live the adventurous, exciting, page-turning life. The kind that you write home about. The one your friends are jealous of. I’m over being the jealous one.

I remember when I was selecting my plants to bring home. I walked around the stands and aisles of plants for nearly twenty minutes. I picked out three that were in okay shape: lots of yellowed leaves, on clearance, but still standing. That’s about how would describe myself right now. I’m pushing myself amidst the over abundance of muck. I have some yellowing and dry patches to my soul. I’m a bit sun-dried by some anger and resentment…but I’m still here. And if I am given he right chance and set of circumstances, I will flourish. I have to. It is my God-given right to breathe, live and pass that life on for others to learn about and from.

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