Merry Couch-mas

I have no idea where I am going with this blog today. I just know it has been a while since I have really written anything so I am updating a little bit of this and a little bit of that. 

I feel a bit muddy headed lately. Grandma died last week and after about a gallon of tears (not jut for her but for all the family I havent cried over in the past), I am okay. Stoic, even. This whole Christmas seems surreal. Now my family is making funeral arrangements and somehow this has lead to a massive fight in our family and I am not sure if I want to be a part of any of it now. I really just want to go home. Back to Norfolk. Back to my quiet little apartment. Mom has been yelling at her older brother almost all morning and since I am stuck on the couch in the living room upstairs, I have to hear the whole thing. 

As you can imagine, I am not really sure I like this toxic atmosphere. I am worried that since I was asked to sing at the funeral, that I will have to once again fake my feelings of family warmth for the sake of getting through the whole thing. I hate being false. I have never been good at pretending my feelings. I either will express them or I walk away. This is one situation that I am just not sure how to walk away. And it hurts. 

As I ponder the point of the holiday, I am thinking that my whole family is missing the point. 

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