From Death to Life or Breathe

Just a moment, just please
Give my soul a chance to breathe.
Stagger, staring down my path
I want to be at home at last.

Amidst the clutter of the trees
My inner spirit could not breathe.
Heart’s delight could not restore
Where darkness is forevermore.

Blow kiss to the wind, its unreceived
So my souls now refuses to breathe.
Do you hear me when i cry?
Or are you content to walk on by?

Blue-deviled I am now I’ve conceived
Into someone else’s life you’ve breathed.
Suffocation, choking, lacking
It is into the stillness I am blacking.

Out of words, no reason to believe
That you needed me, so I dare not breathe.
Stop the rush of hope to my lungs
My ode to life no longer sung.

And then when I was nearly grieved
Another one began to breathe.
Light came in and darkness flew
Away from me, away with you.

Life goes on and i can see
Starbursts alight now that I’ve breathed.
Open arms to the sky
Happy am I to still feel alive.

My song of existence, an opera to me
My salvation’s come, I’m willed to breathe.
It’s dead to me, my other self
To rise no more, there’s nothing left.

I see the sun, I smell the leaves
I look up again, to believe, to breathe.
And once again my chest can rise
And fall and rise and fall…and rise.

Hand Drawn Eyebrows and Other Things Women Do That I Don’t Get

Yeah this is coming from a female. A very confused female. Chalk it up to laziness or whatever. But here is a short (for now) list of things Women do that I am not sure I understand. Count this as my exercising my right of being opinionated.

1. Some women draw on their eyebrows. Yeah, what’s the reasoning? I mean it doesn’t always look bad, but what happens if you accidentally rub one off or smudge it and you forget to bring your pencil? That could make for a VERY long day at the office. And don’t let it happen at the club or something…hmmm…I’d hate to be on the losing end of that situation! I think the one I get the LEAST is Whoopi Goldberg. Or maybe she has Alopecia, which then is completely understandable. Draw away. My question is, how do you get it right every time? How many trial runs do you get? Do you YouTube a video tutorial or go to pickyourarch.com? Or maybe you have a certain expression you’re going for that day…excited: then the arch is very high, Ronald McDonald style. Maybe you’re feeling mad: go for the high pointed, very dramatic line that starts near the crease by your nasal bridge and ends somewhere near in your hairline. That’s….dramatic, to say the least. Yikes. But do you I guess.

2. Wear clothes that we KNOW are way too small and we look FATTER than we would if we actually wore our correct size. Plus you NEVER get complimented on them. First of all, the only time size will matter is if you make it matter. Do you walk up to everyone with your tags hanging out just so someone can see them? I didn’t think so. I used to work as a bridal sales consultant and this was an enigma to me! Women would demand to be put in a dress in a smaller size. All I’m saying is if I am paying that much for a garment, it better fit me so that I look good and that I don’t get embarrassed! Here is a rule of thumb: If the garment doesn’t lay right on your body, it’s probably not your size or made for your body type!. Any woman could look beautiful if she bothered to wear correct clothing sizes and took care of herself (undergarments as well ladies). I am sick of seeing muffin tops where there is no excuse for muffin topiness!! There are ways for you to look good in outfits. Why else do you think there are gorgeous plus sized models? Stop buying those tiny jeans that do nothing for you and pairing it with a belly shirt and leaving your fluff out to be seen and get weird tan lines and creases…it kinda strikes me as oh I don’t know, trashy? unkempt? unaware of your body? Pick one. But if it fits well, you have fewer chances of a wardrobe malfunction and THOSE are not easily forgotten!

Don’t forget the part that you don’t get complimented on these clothing options. Need I say more about this part? Let’s just not ever walk out the house in that again unless you’re headed to a gym and this is what inspires you to tone it up.

3. In keeping with inappropriately sized clothing, let’s get into inadequately fitting footwear when going out to places that require lots of walking, standing or gyrating. Yep, I said it. Bing Bing Bing! The club scene is full of women who do this. How do I know? Because I do it! I tend to forgo the club scene…not my thing, but we women put ourselves through the wringer when it comes to clothes and shoes. Funny how the guys don’t even CARE about how high our shoes are, as long as they don’t make us taller than them. Then again, maybe it is a “short, creepy guy” deterrent. I dunno. All’s I do know is that we suffer and are at the mercy of our footwear that we subject ourselves to. Then there are degrees of pain/unattractiveness based on shoe styles. Not all of these are necessarily uncomfortable, but need to be addressed any way.

*The Peeptoe: Great, cute little shoe….until you get the peep that is not comfortable for your toes. Those usually are the patent leather numbers that the opening constantly rubs your big toe until you get callouses. Yeah, not a good look in the AM.

*The Sexy Strappy Number: These are only inappropriately worn by females who insist on stuffing their feet into them to the point that the straps are squeaking and squalling for mercy. If you have strap lines on your feet, throw them bad boys out. No longer sexy and soon to be no longer strappy.

*The Fun Flip Flop: Stops being fun, at least for those of us who have to watch you wear them when your toes curl over the front or your heels are getting ashy from the sidewalk abuse you are putting them through. Just…stop. And don’t get them too large either, or you just look like Goofy.

*The 27″ Spike From Hell Heel: Yep, this is the one that gets us, huh ladies? The problem is, they come in so many fun colors, styles, price ranges…These snazzy sisters are the long haul physical abusers. They abuse you more if you shove your stumps in them KNOWING they are even a half size too small. (why do we do this to ourselves?!)

*The Wedge: these only really look bad and uncomfortable if your feet tend to swell. You honestly can’t really go wrong with having wedges in your closet unless they manage to break all the aforementioned rules or are just ugly…so you have to be trying pretty hard.

*The Is It A Boot, A Sneaker Or Something More? shoe: First of all, the hybrid shoe thing has to stop. And actually, I’ll stop there.

So, those are some general questions I have been scratching my head about in reference to shoes.

4. This is one that really makes even less sense than the eyebrow drawing…wearing excessive makeup and/or jewelry to the gym.Really? REALLY?! I’m kinda confused about why any sane female would WANT to do this…you get sweaty and gross! I don’t care how many guys noticed you; you look kinda dumb. Like pretty-deer-in-the-headlights dumb. And what’s the point in the jewelry? So you can mess around and get hung up on a barbell? And for my eyebrow drawing ladies, the gym is NOT your friend, unless you have some magical way of making your crayola wonders stay in place. I, for one, make my work out count and I get pretty sweaty…….oh. That’s how the makeup mavens do it! They don’t. I went to college with a girl that wore make up by the gallon down to the false lashes. And she was always at the gym! To this day, I have no idea what she looks like without it. It’ll probably be something I go to my grave never knowing. She was a knockout, but I don’t know if the make up made her that way or what. Either way, too much, darling. Too much.

Well these are just four of my irks. I am sure there will be more. There is definitely a list I am working on for the guys. Until then, do you! Whatever that entails…

Sun Light and S.A.D.

The sun is my friend, I am learning. I have such an affinity with it.I enjoy relaxing under its yellow-white warmth, especially in the summer. My best times are at the beach in hot August. I usualy pack a book, a water bottle, a blanket and hit the sand of the bay.

For over a week now it has been rainy day after rainy day. And some of these days the sun would weakly appear and admit its defeat to the clouds. The clouds these days just would hang lowlike a foreboding sentence over an inmate; constantly there but never pronouncing its judgment. That is what the rain is like these days. It would threaten, then renege so for the whole day, my hopes are up and then I would get a roundhouse kick whenever I DID make it outside. THAT’S when it would rain.

I understand the necessity of rain and how our ecosystems work, but honestly when rain does little to excite you, you just want to smack the person who says “be thankful” for it.

I Want Him

…in every aspect of the phrase. He is the one that my whole being (mind, body and soul) craves to be near. It sounds lustful, base, unladylike and even un-Christian but that is not how I mean it to be. I mean to desire him in the purest and sweetest form. The purest and sweetest love that one could have for her perfect mate. IT’s the love that only happens when you are not expecting it, but when it comes (My GOD! When it comes!) it has a power that is so tactile. you can taste it in your mouth, see it in the dark and hear it over all the noise and roar of daily life.

I am in awe of this power. Why? Because I am afraid that it is untamed. I also worry that it is one-sided, and all on my end. It would be tragic that my life FINALLY comes full circle to him only for him to feel nothing but a friendship toward me. My problem is that I am fiercely attracted to him in so many ways. There is no lust in this. Just me. Me and my rambling thoughts and untamed heart that mystifies me.

Learning to Breathe/Stumble

Life is something I feel people, myself included, take for granted. But life is so similar to the weather for me. No matter how many ways it is forecast, the meteorologist can still get it wrong. Like the weatherman I tend to base each day off of the conditions that previous days and months have been or what the current conditions look like, track the changes and make as best an assumption about it as I can. My results are mostly the same as my predictions from day to day but then there are those other times when God says that he wants to put a storm system in where I thought a sunny spot belonged and vice versa…just when I have gotten used to being in one kind of attitude.

All that said, I think I am in need of a bit of a shift. I don’t know into which direction my shift would or should come but I know it is necessary. I feel stifled like a closet overstuffed with too many of all the previous years’ fashions. The stuff is not necessarily bad; sometimes too much is just not good. It causes my focus to be dimmed and the ideal plans feel so far away. It’s like being in the closet of Narnia. I get so lost in the coats and clothes and things that it takes me too long to get to either path- to the reality of my situation or to my destiny.

I feel like a change is in the air. But like glue, the present has me bound to herself. Security is a fickle thing. Knowing I have a job with potential to impact children is an amazing feeling. That alone, however, is what is also frustrating.I am impacting someone else, and yet I feel so…I don’t know…type cast? Maybe frustrated is too strong a word, but it is all I can think of at the moment. My heart is not here and my brains have been hijacked by my opportunity seeking motives. Yes, change is needed. Being in such a volatile economic environment makes my bungee jumping, risk taking former self even pause to consider all my options. I find it is good to take caution, but caution makes me question. Questioning leads to self-doubt. Self-doubt to stagnation. right now I quietly curse my doubtful side but I am afraid to risk my certainty on the gamble before me. Help me

Chicken and Rice Casserole in 80 Degree Weather

I made the casserole on Sunday along with all my other meals for the month. It took me an entire afternoon, but in the end, it will be worth it. Basically I have a month’s worth of TV dinners that I have home made.

As I ate my lunch today, I thought about a comment that a friend made after I posted on Facebook about the food preparations. She jokingly remarked, “Your husband is on his way!!”. I’d like to think that. Of course, that is not why I did it. I did it because it was economical and more cost effective as far as my bills were concerned.

But while I was kneading the dough for my pizza nights to come, her words stuck with me. The “one” that I want deserves to have as much of my time as I can give. and if that means an entire day of slaving in the kitchen to get the precious hours that couples so obviously need but seem to deprive themselves of these days, then sign me up! I love him enough to do it. And more.

It’s almost like the Psalm says (84 I believe); “Better is one day in the courts of God than a thousand anywhere else”. To me a relationship consists of taking and making certain sacrifices where necessary. It’s part of what I think love is: a true desire to see to the well being of someone else, whether or not you get it in return. An appreciation.

Hot Pink Bath Towels

I was recalling to my brother today about how I had a housewarming party at my first apartment and the interesting gifts I received. He is engaged and they are moving so I suggested he and his fiance host a party in order to get some things. I explained to him how he should tell the guests that their color scheme or themes would be. at my housewarming I told the guests that I wanted blues, greens and tans and ocean/beach themed items and that my LEAST favorite color was pink…and it still is. Amazingly I had a loving and well-meaning aunt who bought me hot pink bath towels, wash cloths and a shower curtain. She said she got it in case I decided to switch it up…not likely. But who am I to turn down free stuff? It took me about four months before I actually used any of it!

I think now about the life I have and how different I am from my first apartment. O, I still hate pink, but my aunt was still right: sometimes in life, we do need to switch things up.