Life Really is Beautiful

Today is January 1, 2013.

Last night my brother and I chose once again to revisit the 10 Day Positivity Challenge. Basically, we are only allowed to speak, write and act positively. . If I we say anything negative, we have to start ALL over, no matter how close to the tenth day we are. The idea is to adjust our mindset and get a fresh look at how we let the words we say reflect on how we view life and behave in our day to day situations.

I can honestly say that today went rather well. I got to sleep in because it was the holiday but I went in to work at 10 am. The girls were so well behaved that it made my day even easier. I posted on the challenge on Twitter so that I could stay motivated and also to hopefully engage others into the challenge.

Last week I did get some news that I would have rather not have gotten. My employer let me know 3 days after Christmas that basically on the second week of January, I will no longer have a full time job and at the end of the month I will not have a job at all. I panicked a bit at first, but then I reminded myself that this was the push that I needed to make sure that I find a job that could help springboard my life into the right direction. Some things really can be blessings in disguise. I am banking on this being one of them.

I have also been looking at my life in the future. One of my personal goals, not just for 2013 but through my 30th year, I want to knock out my 30×30 bucket list. You can check it out here. I have come to the conclusion that life is too short to not live it. I have moved past mere existence and I choose life. I am looking forward to what that life may be.

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Merry Couch-mas

I have no idea where I am going with this blog today. I just know it has been a while since I have really written anything so I am updating a little bit of this and a little bit of that. 

I feel a bit muddy headed lately. Grandma died last week and after about a gallon of tears (not jut for her but for all the family I havent cried over in the past), I am okay. Stoic, even. This whole Christmas seems surreal. Now my family is making funeral arrangements and somehow this has lead to a massive fight in our family and I am not sure if I want to be a part of any of it now. I really just want to go home. Back to Norfolk. Back to my quiet little apartment. Mom has been yelling at her older brother almost all morning and since I am stuck on the couch in the living room upstairs, I have to hear the whole thing. 

As you can imagine, I am not really sure I like this toxic atmosphere. I am worried that since I was asked to sing at the funeral, that I will have to once again fake my feelings of family warmth for the sake of getting through the whole thing. I hate being false. I have never been good at pretending my feelings. I either will express them or I walk away. This is one situation that I am just not sure how to walk away. And it hurts. 

As I ponder the point of the holiday, I am thinking that my whole family is missing the point. 

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30×30 or The Hourglass Sand Is Winding Down

Recently, I was playing the game Life with my family and it got me to thinking about how little I have experienced in my own life. Being very type B and extremely willing to try new things and brave new worlds, I decided that I need to get moving and do a 30x 30 list. I am realistic enough to know that many of these I can’t do in a year and a half, but I am going to try to knock off as many as possible and work toward some of the very extreme ones.
Wish me luck and join me if you can!!!
 
1.Tough Mudder
2.Hot air balloon ride, 
3.Audition for American Idol
4.Boston Marathon
5.Teach overseas
6.Cross-country road trip
7.Meet my 1/2 bro in Italy
8.Own my own business as event decorator
9.Write and illustrate a children’s book
10.Be out of debt
11.Be fluent in Spanish
12.Be in a fashion show 
13.Record a CD 
14.Audition for local theater plays
15.Ride a horse
16.Go ziplining
17.Paint a mural
19.Sing National Anthem at a big arena (I’ve done smaller ones like high school games)
20.Learn to drive stick shift
21.Take classes in painting, pottery and photography.
22.Take ballroom dance lessons
23.Cave Dive (my biggest fear)
24.Learn to rebuild an engine of a car
25.Do a fun photoshoot
26.Swim with dolphins
27.Go to an opera
28.Be on a game show
29.Ride on a yacht 
30.Visit Santorini or Thessaloniki, Greece.

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From Death to Life or Breathe

Just a moment, just please
Give my soul a chance to breathe.
Stagger, staring down my path
I want to be at home at last.

Amidst the clutter of the trees
My inner spirit could not breathe.
Heart’s delight could not restore
Where darkness is forevermore.

Blow kiss to the wind, its unreceived
So my souls now refuses to breathe.
Do you hear me when i cry?
Or are you content to walk on by?

Blue-deviled I am now I’ve conceived
Into someone else’s life you’ve breathed.
Suffocation, choking, lacking
It is into the stillness I am blacking.

Out of words, no reason to believe
That you needed me, so I dare not breathe.
Stop the rush of hope to my lungs
My ode to life no longer sung.

And then when I was nearly grieved
Another one began to breathe.
Light came in and darkness flew
Away from me, away with you.

Life goes on and i can see
Starbursts alight now that I’ve breathed.
Open arms to the sky
Happy am I to still feel alive.

My song of existence, an opera to me
My salvation’s come, I’m willed to breathe.
It’s dead to me, my other self
To rise no more, there’s nothing left.

I see the sun, I smell the leaves
I look up again, to believe, to breathe.
And once again my chest can rise
And fall and rise and fall…and rise.

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Hand Drawn Eyebrows and Other Things Women Do That I Don’t Get

Yeah this is coming from a female. A very confused female. Chalk it up to laziness or whatever. But here is a short (for now) list of things Women do that I am not sure I understand. Count this as my exercising my right of being opinionated.

1. Some women draw on their eyebrows. Yeah, what’s the reasoning? I mean it doesn’t always look bad, but what happens if you accidentally rub one off or smudge it and you forget to bring your pencil? That could make for a VERY long day at the office. And don’t let it happen at the club or something…hmmm…I’d hate to be on the losing end of that situation! I think the one I get the LEAST is Whoopi Goldberg. Or maybe she has Alopecia, which then is completely understandable. Draw away. My question is, how do you get it right every time? How many trial runs do you get? Do you YouTube a video tutorial or go to pickyourarch.com? Or maybe you have a certain expression you’re going for that day…excited: then the arch is very high, Ronald McDonald style. Maybe you’re feeling mad: go for the high pointed, very dramatic line that starts near the crease by your nasal bridge and ends somewhere near in your hairline. That’s….dramatic, to say the least. Yikes. But do you I guess.

2. Wear clothes that we KNOW are way too small and we look FATTER than we would if we actually wore our correct size. Plus you NEVER get complimented on them. First of all, the only time size will matter is if you make it matter. Do you walk up to everyone with your tags hanging out just so someone can see them? I didn’t think so. I used to work as a bridal sales consultant and this was an enigma to me! Women would demand to be put in a dress in a smaller size. All I’m saying is if I am paying that much for a garment, it better fit me so that I look good and that I don’t get embarrassed! Here is a rule of thumb: If the garment doesn’t lay right on your body, it’s probably not your size or made for your body type!. Any woman could look beautiful if she bothered to wear correct clothing sizes and took care of herself (undergarments as well ladies). I am sick of seeing muffin tops where there is no excuse for muffin topiness!! There are ways for you to look good in outfits. Why else do you think there are gorgeous plus sized models? Stop buying those tiny jeans that do nothing for you and pairing it with a belly shirt and leaving your fluff out to be seen and get weird tan lines and creases…it kinda strikes me as oh I don’t know, trashy? unkempt? unaware of your body? Pick one. But if it fits well, you have fewer chances of a wardrobe malfunction and THOSE are not easily forgotten!

Don’t forget the part that you don’t get complimented on these clothing options. Need I say more about this part? Let’s just not ever walk out the house in that again unless you’re headed to a gym and this is what inspires you to tone it up.

3. In keeping with inappropriately sized clothing, let’s get into inadequately fitting footwear when going out to places that require lots of walking, standing or gyrating. Yep, I said it. Bing Bing Bing! The club scene is full of women who do this. How do I know? Because I do it! I tend to forgo the club scene…not my thing, but we women put ourselves through the wringer when it comes to clothes and shoes. Funny how the guys don’t even CARE about how high our shoes are, as long as they don’t make us taller than them. Then again, maybe it is a “short, creepy guy” deterrent. I dunno. All’s I do know is that we suffer and are at the mercy of our footwear that we subject ourselves to. Then there are degrees of pain/unattractiveness based on shoe styles. Not all of these are necessarily uncomfortable, but need to be addressed any way.

*The Peeptoe: Great, cute little shoe….until you get the peep that is not comfortable for your toes. Those usually are the patent leather numbers that the opening constantly rubs your big toe until you get callouses. Yeah, not a good look in the AM.

*The Sexy Strappy Number: These are only inappropriately worn by females who insist on stuffing their feet into them to the point that the straps are squeaking and squalling for mercy. If you have strap lines on your feet, throw them bad boys out. No longer sexy and soon to be no longer strappy.

*The Fun Flip Flop: Stops being fun, at least for those of us who have to watch you wear them when your toes curl over the front or your heels are getting ashy from the sidewalk abuse you are putting them through. Just…stop. And don’t get them too large either, or you just look like Goofy.

*The 27″ Spike From Hell Heel: Yep, this is the one that gets us, huh ladies? The problem is, they come in so many fun colors, styles, price ranges…These snazzy sisters are the long haul physical abusers. They abuse you more if you shove your stumps in them KNOWING they are even a half size too small. (why do we do this to ourselves?!)

*The Wedge: these only really look bad and uncomfortable if your feet tend to swell. You honestly can’t really go wrong with having wedges in your closet unless they manage to break all the aforementioned rules or are just ugly…so you have to be trying pretty hard.

*The Is It A Boot, A Sneaker Or Something More? shoe: First of all, the hybrid shoe thing has to stop. And actually, I’ll stop there.

So, those are some general questions I have been scratching my head about in reference to shoes.

4. This is one that really makes even less sense than the eyebrow drawing…wearing excessive makeup and/or jewelry to the gym.Really? REALLY?! I’m kinda confused about why any sane female would WANT to do this…you get sweaty and gross! I don’t care how many guys noticed you; you look kinda dumb. Like pretty-deer-in-the-headlights dumb. And what’s the point in the jewelry? So you can mess around and get hung up on a barbell? And for my eyebrow drawing ladies, the gym is NOT your friend, unless you have some magical way of making your crayola wonders stay in place. I, for one, make my work out count and I get pretty sweaty…….oh. That’s how the makeup mavens do it! They don’t. I went to college with a girl that wore make up by the gallon down to the false lashes. And she was always at the gym! To this day, I have no idea what she looks like without it. It’ll probably be something I go to my grave never knowing. She was a knockout, but I don’t know if the make up made her that way or what. Either way, too much, darling. Too much.

Well these are just four of my irks. I am sure there will be more. There is definitely a list I am working on for the guys. Until then, do you! Whatever that entails…

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Sun Light and S.A.D.

The sun is my friend, I am learning. I have such an affinity with it.I enjoy relaxing under its yellow-white warmth, especially in the summer. My best times are at the beach in hot August. I usualy pack a book, a water bottle, a blanket and hit the sand of the bay.

For over a week now it has been rainy day after rainy day. And some of these days the sun would weakly appear and admit its defeat to the clouds. The clouds these days just would hang lowlike a foreboding sentence over an inmate; constantly there but never pronouncing its judgment. That is what the rain is like these days. It would threaten, then renege so for the whole day, my hopes are up and then I would get a roundhouse kick whenever I DID make it outside. THAT’S when it would rain.

I understand the necessity of rain and how our ecosystems work, but honestly when rain does little to excite you, you just want to smack the person who says “be thankful” for it.

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I Want Him

…in every aspect of the phrase. He is the one that my whole being (mind, body and soul) craves to be near. It sounds lustful, base, unladylike and even un-Christian but that is not how I mean it to be. I mean to desire him in the purest and sweetest form. The purest and sweetest love that one could have for her perfect mate. IT’s the love that only happens when you are not expecting it, but when it comes (My GOD! When it comes!) it has a power that is so tactile. you can taste it in your mouth, see it in the dark and hear it over all the noise and roar of daily life.

I am in awe of this power. Why? Because I am afraid that it is untamed. I also worry that it is one-sided, and all on my end. It would be tragic that my life FINALLY comes full circle to him only for him to feel nothing but a friendship toward me. My problem is that I am fiercely attracted to him in so many ways. There is no lust in this. Just me. Me and my rambling thoughts and untamed heart that mystifies me.

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